The times I should have ...

Yep, you know what I'm implying.

I can count more than just a few times I should have been tapped out of this life by doing stupid things, of my own accord mostly, but there have also been a handful of times I can only believe I was saved by angels sent from the skies by some divine intervention. What I didn't realize then, and what I now believe to be true, I had been spared for a bigger purpose in life.

When I think back to these moments, I wish I had appreciated the gift of my life just a little more. There were a few times I took risks that could have ended my time on this planet very quickly, but the adrenaline bursts that came with it were something that felt far better than I did in my own skin on any given day. And that feeling was addicting, until it wasn't. I wouldn't learn until later in life, living with a little fear is better than having no fear at all. But too much fear can steal it all away slower and more painfully than any risk that 'could' end it quick.

I lived without fear throughout all of my imperative years and mostly through my adult life. I just always seemed to have this peaceful inner knowing that life has to be better on the other side. I have an attitude of living on the edge, and this was the only way to live; never looking back would eventually replace the pain I carried quietly in my chest. I wish I had appreciated the second (and third and fourth ... chances) I was being given in those moments. I didn't know to be afraid of how my life would eventually end, what did it matter anyway, I wouldn't remember it.

Until I had a few unexpected brushes with the 'ole grim reaper himself. Each encounter left me with feelings that I still can't explain, and to this day I still try to understand how I was saved from a fate that could have ended my life. Looking back on those times now, I know I was saved so I could one day be here to write these words as an act of gratitude for the unseen hands that had been placed upon me each of those times and to save me from myself.

I guess the point I am trying to make is there have been several times I should have died, but there is no other explanation I can give as to why I am still here; other than I was saved by an invisible helping hand from the sky. One day, I will stand before my ancestors in death, but for now, I remain standing before my children, family, friends and now strangers, as a living, breathing testament that there is really something divine that protects and watches over all of us until time ends our earthly contract.

I bring this up now because at the time, while humbled that I survived each event, my divine angels must have been getting irritated that I wasn't paying attention, so they repeated the lessons until they realized I was blind to the fear I should have had knowing in that moment, I very well could have died.

So, you know what they did next? Since they couldn't scare me with death, they presented me with a life challenge that finally produced enough fear that I almost thought I might die from the experience itself, because for first time ever I was afraid for my life. It was in this dark period of fear that took over my life and made me start to see the times I was saved by something bigger than I was. I couldn't see it, but I can feel it and it is still here protecting me through one more thing I couldn't explain.

Anyway, I feel as though I have been in a state of recovery from all of the discovering I have been doing within myself. I can get through the hard days now without crying and I almost feel like a better version of myself. But I just can't help but think maybe these times had to happen so that I would finally slow down and think twice and to be thankful to still be here participating in the rituals of life. To be thankful for challenges presented by life.

Let me share a few of these unsolved mysteries of mine and then it will be up to you to determine if you have ever been touched by divine intervention. I have found purpose, if you will, in all of those experiences. A reason to keep going on the hard days when all I want to do is give up. I still have days that I struggle to understand why life has to be so damn complicated when all I'm trying to do is my best.

... and then I remember it's all going to be all right. I have angels in the sky that want me to learn I'm strong enough to survive whatever life throws at me. I don't have to hope for the best when I have faith in the confirmation I'm never truly alone.

I just remember the times I should have ...

• Our innertube flipping over while white water rafting in Ohio Pyle. Rapid waters that left me rushing down the rapids, around rocks that could have crushed my body. The whole experiece scared the bejesus out of me; so much so, I now have an odd fear of water. While still loving water from a distance, I respect the power it has to destroy life.

  
  

• Skydiving - not once but twice - btw, this is the way I would love to go. This did not scare me, but it should have. Accidents happen every day, I'm just happy the parachute pull worked those days. As it turns out, I'm still here and can't wait to do it again. Am I playing the odds? Game of lawn darts anyone?

• The time I was driving to work in the middle of an ice storm (social work doesn't get time off for weather) and cars were all sliding down the hill right toward the intersection with a red traffic light, crashing into each other like demolition derby. I had to turn my sliding wheels into the lane of oncoming traffic to the right of me to avoid being hit in the chaos. Instead of being hit or becoming part of the multiple car pileup, my car slid into the parking lot of this business on the other side of the lane I was sliding through. The lot isn't very long from the entrance and ends in an overhang that lands into a bunch of trees and a few feet straight down a hillside into a little ravine. And then without me touching anything and with my brakes useless on the ice, I came to a sudden stop; my bumper just at the edge of the overhang. It stopped with the impact of hitting an invisible wall and just like that I was safe.

  
  

• Then there was the time I ninjaed right off the back of a moving motorcycle just as it was being laid down preparing for impact. A car came rushing through a stop sign, (one they ignored because they were texting on their cell phone) and the next thing I know, I am standing on my feet, on the sidewalk, up right, and with no memory of how I got there as the last thing I could remember was bracing for the impact of what I saw coming. Did I mention I was still holding two un-spilled cups of coffee?

I know there are more, but this is enough reminders for today, I think. However, I must also recall all the times I risked myself in the name of love. But did I die? No fear, just love. When we begin to fear love, maybe that is the time to call it quits or only hope that it gets better. We shouldn't let fear control us but guide us to the love that shines a saving light upon us.

I firmly believe until final chapter is written, and the heroine proves love wins in the end, the protection of angels is real, and they are watching over us but they only step in, when we are truly lost within ourselves.

Until next time,

T. McB