The Darkness

Let's talk about this place of emptiness that is a guaranteed experience. It is inevitable that everyone will experience a period of darkness once in their lifetime. It is a necessary part of the journey. Some will turn it into a superpower, and then there will be those who struggle to get out of theirs but will seek help; and then there will be those who feel as if life goes from a darkness to a deep void, and then there will be some that can't be saved.

Do you know of the darkness I speak of? If you do not, I wish you well on your journey and pray you never do. I don't know what yours looks like but if you take my hand, I will walk you through mine. It may be, we feel the same things and maybe we aren't so different from one another.

My darkness is in the vices and addictions that I deny. It is the guilt and shame of choices made based on false information. It is all the hurt, disappointments, lies, deceptions, failures and traumas that lie in the dark waiting to suffocate me. It is all life's embarrassments, humiliations and dismissals of my voice. It is disguised as insecurities, anxiety, anger, depression, mood swings. Mental health.

Revaluating. Reviewing. Reliving. Rewiring. Shadow work.

My darkness is heavy, and it hides in my shadow and has become a cage over time. It is all the things I don't say out loud. And if you ask anyone who knows me, I have never been one to not speak my mind. If the things I have said ever made you wonder, cut, scared or amused, you should be cautious of the things I don't say. That is where the real pain is.

I have always been one to research topics that keep me stuck in place. I have always had a desire to be a better person, my mind and my body don't always agree. So, when I speak, I do not try to speak from ignorance.

What I speak from is experience. And parts of my life have left me in fight or flight. It seems I have always been an anxious person, and I'm learning it stems from places my mind and heart don't want to go. It hides from the parts that scare me and shows up when I least expect it to. Like in moments, that define who I am to you.

I have had to look back at times, and I know I should have done better and there were times that there was nothing else to do, other than what was done. They say do unto others as you would have them do unto you. What about the doing to others what has been done to you? Perpetuating cycles and patterns that are hurtful.

Over the years, I have masked, denied, deflected and hid from the truth. Have I just covered the wounds with medical band-aids and diagnoses to avoid doing the real work. I know I am not always right and that too, takes me deep into the darkness that I'm still struggling with; things that perhaps forgiveness and love could cure? Reflection can be an ugly or a beautiful thing. I know one thing; it hurts like hell.

The truth starts within and without it, we are never really free. I have finally stopped running from the pain that I continue to perpetuate out into the world in my actions. I take my darkness by the hand, and I make it my friend. In order for me to just be me, I must look for my own light and not stay in the shadows of others. May my shadows not dull your shine! Your light is bright too and shouldn't be dimmed at the hands of others.

With my first steps into the spotlight of healing, I ask for forgiveness and send apologies to all of those that have been left in cold shadows when I was at my lowest. May my new presence bring love, light and peace. Together, we step out of the darkness and bring the demons into the light! It is here; we can spread our wings and fly!

Press rewind. I find the good in good-bye. I remember the good times. I thank you for your light.

Love, Light and Darkness

"The Darkness" can be found in the "In the Shadows" Collection