Shattered

I missed the amendment to my soul's contract that said I would shatter into a million pieces and would lose my mind in the process. I skipped over the clause that said my life would scatter into a chaotic pile of rubble at this level of my life and I didn't prepare for the work I would have to put in to set it all right again.

I missed the paragraph that said I would have to pick up all the pieces and give back the ones that don't belong and would have to finally discard the shards that I haven't pulled, in the fear of bleeding out. I missed the fine print that said I would have to sew back together the fault line of my heart.

I was just doing my thing. Doing my time as dictated by the rituals of life. I've been busy being a wife and a mother. A dedicated employee rising to the top of my chosen career. I have everything I need; maybe not everything I want, but in the hardest of times the universe has always protected and provided to keep me alive.

What I have come to find as a character in my own drama is that we are all just collateral damage in life. Life throws sticks and stones, rocks and tests of strength by and in the way of challenges and times of struggle. We have all experienced this at some point.

It seems that life has a way of beating us down and dulling our shine. It comes in waves and has us fighting for our right to exist as humans. Dictated by laws of society and the judgement of others as they cast stones. Life demands justice for all, but it comes with a penalty you didn't see coming.

It turns out when I started this journey it was during one of the darkest times, I have ever been through on this planet. (There have been a few significant others, but this one is definitely defining my future) The feelings inside me were so overwhelming and I was changing slowly as pieces of my life started falling apart. Me, the person who always had a soft spot hidden behind the false bravado I put on my face every day.

My intention in telling my story is that we all have secrets, fears and anxieties that prevent us from being our true selves. We have things that happen to us that give us the experiences of life and can interfere with living it authentically.

So, as I say what is in my heart, let it be known that there are no villains in my story. Just other humans trying to get through this life too. To shed light on the dark, I was failing at my own life and it all shattered at the same time and suddenly exposed and stuck in place.

I had made it to the top of my career just to find out politics will always be in control and that I wasn't made for that kind of life. The choices and decisions made me question my own morals and values in life. I couldn't believe I worked in an industry meant to help the human race with little to no respect to select groups of employees. I spent 16 years trying to make a difference in this world to have it disgraced by pettiness and red tape.

I can only hope that when someone hears my name, they know I gave a 110% and I did my best under the circumstances. May those pieces stay where they lay, covered in dirt and left to rest.

A career transition would suddenly take place, and I found myself among a new group of people, in a job I thought I could adapt to. Out of my arena but I applied myself the best I could at the time. Without this select group of people, I believe my civil servant career may have ended right then and there.

In the meantime, my motherly duties that I have been performing for the last 18 years was coming to an end and my baby was spreading her wings to find her own place in this world. I wouldn't say I had empty nest syndrome, but a piece of my heart went with her, and I found myself grieving because there went my life's purpose.

My marriage found itself going from "neat" to "on the rocks". Love's truth found itself bouncing light off stained pieces of my heart from years of what has been a hell of a ride. One that keeps going no matter how bumpy the ride and it left me holding on for dear life wondering if divorce is on the horizon?

Side note: *He, the husband, also has a side to the story and so does the truth, but this is my story and about how I changed so I could be here with you.

Insert a lawsuit, a splash of autoimmune disease with a dash of treatments, a sprinkle of financial difficulties and there was the shit storm I didn't see coming. How did I miss the Signs and Symptoms but had all the Side Effects?

Fast forwarding through details that are too gruesome to share, I fell apart. Life was a nightmare in red. I sat in the pool of my own blood and took stock of the wounds that had me caged in this hell that no one but me could see and feel. I was going through a change I was too ashamed to share. I was in an internal battle that almost cost me the war.

I felt crazy in my mind for the things I was feeling and with no real outlet, I started to journal. I penned the words and gave them back to the universe and some turned into poems that I have been able to share and put them into a book.

I sit here with you, sharing this very personal journey of self-reflection. I didn't know I needed this soul cleanse but now I am beginning to understand why and how I got here. It is exactly where I am meant to be. I have sorted the mess and have started to heal, even with missing pieces. Yes, there are scars that look like the drawings of a treasure map, and there are just enough holes that I am starting to see light.

I found a side of me that has been hiding in plain sight, and she is full of hope. I have taken the time to assess the things in life that matter the most. I am finding I have something new to offer the world, and hope that the kaleidoscope colors of my stained-glass heart will light the way for others when times get dark.

I have mastered the pain.

I have picked up the pieces.

I AM a masterpiece of universal art!

The moral of the story

If you feel like a piece that doesn't fit in, be your own "peace" of art, you are who the world needs.

Love, light and stained glass,

inRhymes.com

"Stained Glass" can be found in the "Eternal Ties" Collection