S.I.T. with the "Pieces"

Whew. It's been some days. The kind that come for you when you aren't really ready.

This healing business is harder than I thought it would be. You know, I thought I could just put what I have to say into a few poems and move on with my life. Say it and discard it for it no longer serves my greater good. Easy right?

Ha! Turns out there are some things we have to heal within ourselves. Other people and dare I say, even some professionals, can't always help pick up the pieces, because they don't truly know which pieces belong, they can only help you sort them out. There is no shame in asking for help if the task is daunting or overwhelming.

I am blessed to know that I have so many people that would help me, if I would just ask. Believe me, I will ask when I need it. I'm learning how to do this as an adult. It's the getting started that is hard. How can we ask for help when we aren't even sure what we need? Sometimes just sharing with someone you trust is enough.

What I didn't expect was for something inside me to shatter into a million pieces. When I started this journey, I had no idea all of my pieces would simply fall apart so easily. They just flew everywhere and mixed with other pieces that don't even belong to me. Now what a mess and I have no choice but to sort them out.

I inadvertently opened some wounds I thought long forgotten and now I'm facing some physical reactions to these self-reflections. I'm remembering things that I have been denying, masking and running from my whole life. My denial runs deep.

I won't bore you with the details but if you don't mind, let's not turn off the light just yet. There are pieces that glow in the dark and chase me in the nightmares that I can't turn off, so could we not go to sleep just yet. And so, the memory goes every time I close my eyes.

"I can see it in color; I see it in black and white. I can't hear the lyrics or the words over the slamming of the doors. All the pieces are now mixed with the shards of my soul; broken like the glass, glimmering and shimmering like diamonds on the floor."

"I turn the music up as loud as it will go, drowning out the chaos that goes on within this home. The memories playing on repeat of the screaming and the yelling. The terror and the tears. I can feel the pressure of my little hands, trying to cover my ears."

"The pieces just keep falling, anchoring me in fear. Sometimes I wonder how I made it out alive. I guess it was all the secrets I buried when I was safe outside." Outside is the only place safe in the silence."

Okay, I am probably at the stage in my recovery/healing process that I should probably seek outside help but deep down inside, I know there isn't a single thing any other person can do to fix me and there isn't a drug out there that will ever really take the pain away for good. It's going to take some "truth" syrup.

I know what needs done and I'm doing it. I have put myself in a time out. I am on what I would call an N.S.R (Nervous System Reset) *please note that this is not the real medical term as that is already taken for some "normal sinus rhythm' thingy according to AI.

Anyway, please don't sue me. I have an adversity to being misquoted and accused of providing misinformation or people thinking I would harm another person with ill intent. I am usually the one blamed in the end, but that's okay. I have carried the burdens long enough. I am stuck in time and if I don't progress, I will never truly be free of the demons that haunt me.

I find myself sitting here in the aftermath, again, of one of my own emotional storms and the pieces are waiting to be picked back up. There are a few pieces missing and this light is shining through the holes. I guess it is up to me if I want to keep putting in pieces that no longer fit.

Will I pick anxiety and pain? Will I choose to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders? Will I continue to carry sins of my father and mother? Am I going to continue to carry the generational traumas and curses of the family name or will I lay a new path for future generations to walk in reminder that when we forgive and live in grace, there is no real loss but always a blessing to replace the pain?

Will I lay down my worries and mistakes? Maybe if I say them out loud and give them a name, they too will be set free all the same.

I wish to set free all of my fears and doubts that I'm not good enough. I release past mistakes and give them the freedom to leave this cage. I give back other people's pieces that were never mine to keep. This time I will use love to seal all my pieces back together as good as new.

I whisper my secrets into the wind, "Hello Universe, it's me again". It's time to reevaluate life and set some new goals. These pieces can't go with me; may I please send them home?"

I journal my thoughts, problems and cares. I pray, manifest and fight with myself. May I pick up the pieces that only fit back together just right. This healing isn't easy, can I say I would do it again? Who knows of the outcome.

The pieces I have gathered are the ones here to stay. Faith, Hope and Love are what holds the pieces in place. A pause in my pace, I look to the sky and thank the universe for all angels, good and bad, that I have met along the way.

The lessons I've learned have come with forgiveness and grace. The fight for my life is one that I haven't given up on yet. I know I have a purpose; it's just looking for space. A space big enough to feel safe.

Let my broken pieces I no longer need fall away, so my glimmering light begins to shine. I reach for the hands of destiny and say "I am ready to be who I am meant to be."

Oh wait! It seems that I am, I am already me. I don't really think there is anyone else I can be. I never stopped believing in me; life just put me on hold until I was ready.

Stuck in time, I sat alone with each piece. Now I call upon the hands of destiny, I am waiting and ready. I have done the hard work and am finally at peace. I see all of the things that happened were already written as a part of my story. Agreed to in advance by my soul's contract. I accept that they were lessons to learn by and not meant to cage or define me.

Unlike Humpty Dumpty, I don't need all the king's horses or all the king's men. I let love put me together again. The places where the pieces fell away, well those are the holes that are shining brighter today. I am on a path to understanding myself and the journey I've been on so that I can share it with you. One piece at a time.

I hope my story will help someone else find their strength to put themself back together and rise again.

Love, light and pieces.

"Pieces" can be found in the "Pieces of My Heart" Collection