I had a boyfriend once

LOL. Just typing that is funny. It's a family inside joke. You know, since I love to relive great moments with my guy friends. Not going to lie though, I love men. I'm actually a little envious of their simplicity.

They make better friends; they believe in loyalty and respect. They are always available. Until there is competition, then maybe they get catty like girls. But I have never seen it play out in real life, the movies lie. There are lovers and there are fighters. I happen to love them both.

You see, I was THAT girl. The one who was friends with dudes because I couldn't seem to get a handle on female friendships. The girl that couldn't maintain a relationship, either because of my own secrets that I didn't want to expose, or just because I didn't seem to fit in with the options. I know now, it was both.

Ladies, you know. The thoughts of being not good enough, so you become too much. Hiding the family dysfunction by never getting too close. The competition we put ourselves in with other women, it is never unintentional. Truth.

But never, did I ever lack in male companionship. They might have had other motives, but I can say truthfully, most of them respected their place in my friend circle. Some may have even had benefits, but a lady never tells. :-)

You know how it goes, friends with the opposite sex until I had a bf and then the only friends are him and his friends and God forbid, their girlfriends. This goes on and on until we find what we are looking for, I think. Changing circles with each relationship to find where we fit in.

Let's just say, we all have a past. And that is just where I will leave mine except for the song that plays on as a reminder. Within every heartbreak, we always go looking for more.

In hindsight, I may not have loved them all in the sense of "true love", but I did love them all in a way because I had deemed them worth my time. I learned from them, I studied them, I respected them, even in the mistakes. I learned them. I learned to be like them. Authentic.

I do love them. All of them have been a blessing even when it hurt.

There were some that will remain a memory to be played over again, like my favorite One Hit Wonder. Just so I can feel that way again. Carefree, young, innocent to the ways of love. Innocent to the cruelties of love when feelings are more than what's on the surface.

I had a husband or two. These will be stories too, someday.

These rhymes are still being written.

I took some time off to address my parental issues, my life choices, and where I am headed in this world. I'm just a human trying to muddle my way through this experience.

I have always given my love away freely and that wasn't always the best idea, but it is how I'm wired. Now that I am older, I see where we make so many unguided choices in life when love is at the center. This is the cycle of life. Love is endless, regardless in form.

If I loved you once, I would love you for life. I will hold our love as an apology for the pain.

The pain we caused each other because we were destined to.

In this raw moment of reflection, I apologize.

Let my love be the apology for the lesson I was sent to teach you too.

To all the boys I loved before...... this apology is from me to you.

Sincerely,

The She

Love's Apology can be found in the Collections: Pieces of My Heart