I am

I never know what I am going to write about until I'm writing it. I find that I can only write my thoughts when I feel a rapid beat in my heart. Which for me as a writer, this means to be real with you, I must be real with myself first. I must feel the truth of the words, or may I not say them at all.

I sit here on this rainy day in May, and think here I am, just another voice out here on the internet trying to make a difference. They say we all have a story to share and that there is another human out there somewhere that needs to hear it so that they know they are not alone. Is this really true or do we just tell ourselves that to feel better?

Either way, I sit here like my thoughts really matter. I am new to this and am waiting to be discovered as they say. So, for now, my thoughts float within the dark webs of the internet where I can say anything and no one but a few friends and family would see or know. Which there lies my problem.

The very characters in my story have a narrative of their own on how my life should be, and I realize that my family doesn't really know me all that well. They know who they want me to be in their world. I'm okay with that, I just hope they are ready to get to know the real me and not continue to hold on to a version of me that no longer exists.

They will be able to see how I see them in my world. Family relationships are more complex than friendships. I believe that is because we have the free will to choose our friends and that allows us to only embrace those that are more like us. This is where inclusion is born. The need to find a tribe to thrive in vs one you were given and have nothing in common with. Why people want to fit in where they aren't wanted has always been a mystery to me.

That is what being the black sheep feels like, and I believe every family has one. I am that one within my family dynamic. But let's add in the in-laws and the cousins and the grandparents. All of them have an expectation, but do they know what mine is?

Probably not. Anyway, as a writer, of course I write about events of my life that involve those around me. They are the history that has shaped me. I have a truth that hasn't been spoken, until now.

So, I will apologize for the reflections that will be a part of the healing. They say the truth will set us free. I hope this true. It has been said good storylines take embellishments and queues that are meant to confuse the reader into reading it until the end. I guess the question that may be asked the most "is what I say a piece of fact or fiction?" Is the memory distorted? Or is it the other side of the truth?

My story is just one of many. I will write about many things throughout my life, and I will not lie to set the record straight. There are ugly truths you chose not to see, truths that got buried under pretense that things would be different if only I would just change who I am to be. There was a truth in the things I did and didn't say. You aren't going to see it the same way. I did change, but somehow, I don't think anyone noticed.

I am who I am today based on who I was all those years ago. However, I am the one responsible for who I am today. Only I can make a difference in myself to be who I want to be and not who the world thinks I should be. I have decided, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and not ashamed of who I have had to be in this life.

I want to not be sorry for the things I have allowed to happen to myself over time. I want to not be angry at myself for the things I have tolerated in the name of survival. I want to not be a statistic of life. I want to not be a victim or a survivor. I don't want to be labeled to suit the newest trend or social fad. I don't want to be labeled to make someone else feel good.

I want a world that doesn't make us check a box so that someone else can decide who I should be to fit into society. I don't want to be included in what society thinks. I don't want to be part of the herd. I want to live authentically; so, I must release what everyone else thinks. I must love and heal to help the world be a better place.

I will continue to pursue my purpose and live my life by loving a world that doesn't love back. I will continue to love the world unconditionally until it learns to love and accept you and me, by celebrating our differences. I want to live in peace without the fear of someone else trying to change me. I will love but not without justice for the right to be happy in being myself, even if I'm not perfect. I must learn to love my imperfections so that I can love the world the way I want it to love me.

Authentically. I want to live to be just me. For "I" have no Title for you to judge me.

Until next time,

Love, Light and Labels

"I" Have No Title can be found in the "Collective" Collections