Versions of Me

Alone with my thoughts. The same ones that never stop.

I have a story sitting on my heart and I don't know where to begin.

Does a person begin right where they are, from where they have been or from a place of our dreams and desires of who we think we want to be? When do we know who it is we are supposed to be? Why do we let other people tells us who we should be?

When do we become "that" version of the expectation?

Let me start with I am old enough that one would think I should already know that answer and others might think I'm still young enough to be figuring it out. I think, I'm right where I am supposed to be, and I will never stop changing. Well, I prefer growing or evolving or just becoming a better version of myself every day. I know who I don't want to be, and I know who I shouldn't be.

I don't like to talk about myself because I don't think I'm that interesting, but when I do, I realize that I do have some really great stories! I have always lived on the edge... just a little.

Okay, okay... I have gotten lost in a field or two, but that is because I always seem to find myself on the path not travelled. I just can't seem to follow the herd. I am marching to my own band, and life has always turned out alright for me. That doesn't mean it's been easy; it just means life has been.

But never once have I stopped following my heart or my intuition. I just became a new version of circumstance. I just muted or paused for a short time. These are the times I rested on the journey.

I am always stepping out of line in the name of justice. I am always teetering on the balance beam of life. I haven't always been comfortable with who I am. Hell, I'm still learning about myself every day. Just when I think I learn something new, I find a new version of myself in an old lesson just waiting for a chance to do better.

There have been times I tried pretending to be someone other than myself. Presenting a watered-down version of myself to make other people comfortable, even while minding my own business and I still always seem to upset someone with my presence. I will no longer apologize for who I am or who I am in any interaction.

My light is your light, and our energies are the same. I get it, I really do. We are all just here trying to figure it out. We all have a balance of good days and bad days. There are days that we are true to our character and there are days that we out of ourselves because we are trying to figure life out. My energy will meet yours at the door, right where you are. I extend my hand in grace; it is up to you if you take it. My peace does not depend on you, my peace is my responsibility, and it depends on me to honor the gift of it.

We let life's stressors take over and direct us in ways that go against our internal compass because we want to please others or to follow perceived societal norms. But what exactly is normal?

"We teach people how to treat us" - Dr. Phil. I will never forget that statement ever.

But we can't teach other people human kindness. We can only lead by example. And I'm learning the place to start is with me. I won't try to change you, and I most certainly won't judge you. I will only change myself, by loving myself and you, the way I want you to be loved.

I will no longer love me based on the scale of how others perceive me. I have found out the hard way that love turned inward, is more love!

I will no longer lower my energy for anyone.

I will stand proud in who I am and know I am loved by those that I am meant to be.

Love yourself for who you are, and you will find the grace to give it back to others. This is when the cup runs over.

So, with that, I promise myself from this day forward, I will not apologize for standing up for myself or fighting for what I know is right for me. Consequences be damned, I will move forward with a plan. I can and will change who I am for the better by being love in any interaction as the only outcome. I will not deny you the same. I hear and see you!

I like to think of myself as a nesting doll. All of these versions live inside me.

Younger versions from the past (the ones that have made mistakes),

Older ones that still have yet to develop (these are the ones still growing inside me as I open my heart and mind) but I know they are there because they get larger with age and wisdom.

There are versions that are light and there are versions that are dark, but they are still versions of me. I embrace them all.

I will no longer allow myself to be a checked box, I will bear no title, and I will no longer be caged by what other people think of me or how they think I should be. Why should I care anyway? Who I am today, may not be who I am tomorrow, but I will still be me.

I will no longer be a prisoner to my own mind. I will no longer apologize for being too much, or too little. I will never allow myself to believe I am not enough or that I don't deserve the best of what life has to offer. I will no longer believe that I am the problem but am living proof of how to be the solution.

I don't want to be the same as you and I don't want you to be like me. I want us to be a beautiful balance of differences, so that we can learn from each other and leave the world a better place for future generations.

You don't have to like me, just keep moving, don't let my energy stop you from being you. There are over 8 billion of us on this earth, be the center of your own story and stop trying to write mine. Control your own narrative, pay attention to your own versions.

Let's stop tearing each other down and learn to forgive and let us rise in love again. People can and do change. It's part of the lesson.

Love, light and versions of,

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