The Beginning

Starting in Chaos.

I'm not convinced being born is the beginning. I don't remember it, but if you do, is it a dark memory? Is the beginning where the memories start? Or is the beginning in the dreams we dream, and we work to bring them alive? Is that when life begins, when we find joy and happiness? The beginning, is it when we stop fighting life and start living it?

I have seen pictures of my baby and toddler years. My parents have shared stories that I don't remember but they must have happened, right? My dreams and passions, my memories are created of the past and with the participation of others that I encounter along the way on my journey, they all help write my story. But at the end of the day, it is still written by my narrative.

My first memory is of me getting on the school bus; first day of kindergarten. I remember half waving good-bye to my parents, but I don't remember looking at them or seeing them. I remember this feeling tummy turning feeling inside me as I looked up those big steps of the bus and the bus driver sitting in that high up seat that seemed so much bigger than me as I stepped inside. That's it.

I didn't know what was happening, as I can't seem to recall exchanged words or shared thoughts, but I do remember how I felt!! We seem to recall details with our mind, but our body remembers feelings.

My insides were shaking, and I was feeling this sickness inside I didn't understand. I didn't know why it felt scary and safe at the same time. Why did it make me feel sick?

This feeling and I eventually become friends, and I keep around for much longer than I should have. I have identified these friends as fear, doubt and anxiousness.

But then there was this also this other feeling that I didn't know; but I felt there was an adventure to be had! A freedom from my keepers, an independence that only I control, an excitement of the unknown and I just somehow knew there were things that I couldn't see but knew they were waiting to be discovered!!

From that day on, every day would be an adventure until my heart was full of them, and I could no longer find another. Regardless of how it made me feel. This is how I survived my unhappy formative years. Taking life and all its bullets on as a survivor must, but I will be no victim.

This is not a story to trash my parents or the way I was raised. This is where I must come to a decision to not carry their story into mine. They didn't know any more than we do now. They were humans too, with their own traumas and choices. It was their first time doing life. It is time to heal my heart by forgiving and letting go of what is not mine to carry.

The freedom and peace that comes from letting go of the weight of others, is the answer to healing. We want people to understand what we are feeling when we experience a challenge or obstacle on our path, but do we really give people the words to understanding?

My childhood was chaotic to say the least. If anything, I am proud to say I am a Gen-Xer to my core and am thankful it was my time to be on the road to discovery. Not everything is our parents' fault, but it was the beginning of the choices or decisions we will make going forward. We say we won't repeat the failings of our parents, but in the end, the choice is up to us whether we do, or we don't. Do we repeat history, or do we rewrite it for our kids and grandkids?

I know we need to stop putting so much hate and chaos out into the world, for the universe answers in kind. Healing happens with forgiveness. There again, lessons we must suffer in this game of life. If we could all just approach one another with a little more love, I believe we could change the course of humanity.

If we could stop the chaos inside ourselves, we could all heal. It is in my letting go of the chaos that didn't belong to me, I found a place of stillness. A new peace of mind.

"It is only in the letting go of the chaos I have been carrying with me since the beginning, that I will find rebirth! Picking up only the pieces that put me back together and leaving behind the pieces that no longer serve me; so, I may shine." - inRhymes

What chaos are you carrying and wish to let go? I will sit with you while you decide if you are ready to heal and let go, or if you need to sit with it awhile longer.

I will wait until you are ready. I won't let you go into the dark alone. You got this!

I promise there is peace on the other side. It is waiting for you to step into your own.

Love, Light and Chaos.

inRhymes.com

The poem "Chaos" can be found in the Universal Reflections Collection