Painted Face

Trigger warning:

I find it shameful that I must warn others that my feelings and experiences may hurt them.

I feel it is usually because of the following reasons:

• They feel deep, pitiful, compassion towards me that I have experienced life the way I have, and now I must look back and be burdened with shame for having had such experiences. Please, faces give us a way when we hear or see something we are not prepared or ready for.

• My experiences may cut deep for their grief and mine are the same, and now I must carry the doubt of sharing my pain as to spare them from their own and now we have yet another trauma bond.

• I make people uncomfortable with my truth because it can be pretty ugly. Life is not all rainbows, glitter and unicorns. If it was, we wouldn't have to talk about violence or abuse at all.

We want to label every feeling and emotion to feel safe and yet when we express our truth, it must be masked or watered down to make digestible for other people's comfort as to not inadvertently pass the abuse on. We are labeled the day we are born, and the labels will continue long after we are gone.

We are forced to say things like:

I am the victim because I endured and survived. I must carry this title now so others know how to fix me; for I am full of anger, anxiety and sadness with this new recognition of victimhood that will define me.

I am the assailant because I never learned how to be any different. I must carry a medical diagnosis and take medication because the baggage I've been carrying for far too long is starting to wear me down.

The bullied becomes the bully because they didn't understand the discomfort and resentments were about to become toxins in relationships to come and they never feel safe. They adapt and become.

We see violence every day, everywhere in all cultures and communities. We see it in movies, the interwebs, our hometown streets and then there are those, that live with some kind of dysfunction in their own homes. We disguise it behind laws, religion, perceived rights and privileges. We justify it, we hide it, we exploit it.

We aren't growing into a violent world full of hate, we have always been one. We see bruised and broken bodies of children, women and men. All for all various reasons, and the humane, logical part of us knows that these breaks and bruises will heal and get better with time. The evidence will go away. We are reassured by science that we can heal with medicines and time and/or hide with make-up and clothing.

But, what about the silent violences?

• Hiding behind masks and mirrors for the fear being labeled or judged for being who we are, products of our environment and choices and actions made due to the need for survival when we hide so much pain inside, afraid to share the things outside our control.

• By ignoring truths to not have others labeled as badly as you know they can be because you love them, and they "love" you, but conditionally.

Even the healthiest and happiest of us all, will experience pain as it is a necessary part of life. It is the blurred scale of perception. Love never intends to be violent or abusive until it is. Love is chaos, Love is violent. Love is patient, love is kind. Love is always at the core or root.

As a human that has experienced levels of violence and an array of abuse, I have unwittingly participated too. *Refer to failed relationship playlist, I stand accused as someone's abuser too. It is up to all of us to stand up against the injustices of the world. Some will get away with it and some will repent, and some will choose another way.

I guess the question in mind as I put on my eyeliner is "will they see violence in my eyes" the very violence and abuses that I have witnessed and survived? or "will they see it in my reactions when my body goes into fight or flight?" The body remembers before the mind, and this is where my struggle remains. Is it anxiety or anger, the question remains.

Every day, I wake up just like you. Every day, I get to choose peace or violence? In my actions and in my words. The world pushes us to choose one or the other. Is it me against you or are we fighting this fight together? I want to understand before I accuse you of something you didn't know. What was the intention behind the hurt?

We all share cells and molecules that have the potential to heal or hurt. The pain I hide inside has been leaking out for some time now and my colors have been running onto others, and I must stop ignoring the internal spillage.

It is not you I'm here to fight, I am on this journey fighting for my own life. It may not be just, and it may not be right, but the pain I have experienced is mine by design. The tears I cried were meant for me to cry.

Sometimes we become victims of our creation.

Every day we get to choose and sometimes life chooses for you.  

On any new day, we all have the potential to be one or the other.

I have been my own abuser for years. I have abandoned and been neglectful to the little girl inside that hides herself just to get by or I get extremely messy trying to fight my own fight. I'm sorry if you have gotten caught in the cycle.

I am finding that love is all things good and bad. I am finding that I am all things, good and bad. I am learning that when someone hurts me, they too understand pain and they are asking me to feel it with them or for them. Was it something I did, or am I paying someone's dues? Life can make people do crazy things when they don't feel safe and this world is cruel.

I am all things.

Love is all things.

I didn't write this today, to justify the violences in the world. I wrote it to look at violence through a lens of grace and forgiveness. I don't believe in shaming and finger pointing or name calling out, I don't feel that I need to. That is just me and I am not indicating in any way shape or form they need to be dealt with. Karma will or has handled that for me. They might even be a part of your story that is the opposite of mine.

Yes, I have experienced levels of physical, mental, and emotional abuse at the hands of people I love(d). I can bet there are people who would say the same of me. But to what degree? I am not speaking of the kind that require law enforcement or maybe I am. How do I know it is trauma unless someone tells me?

The definition of violence by law is "Perceived as an action that occurs "once or twice" that causes physical harm, and abuse is a form of sustained emotional and physical mistreatment that can span over months or years.

Don't let your pain distort the truth. Don't let your truth hide the pain. I guess the lines of abuse are blurred based on the definition of truth. Remember, it lies somewhere in between. I know it gets lost in the colors as they run down my face as I cry for all the pain in the universe.

Burning their path like tattooed war paint.

If you or someone you know is being abused, please ask for help.

Reach out to a stranger, if you can't trust those you love.

Love, light and running colors

- inRhymes.com

Painted Faces can be found in the Universal Reflections Collection