My Dad

This one is going to hurt.

My dad was a complicated man. And who he was will differ depending upon who you talk to. He was a hero to some, and the devil incarnate to those closest to him. It's complex because I understand that he was both. He knew pain and he knew how to share it. I am not sure that he understood love, but he tried with what he knew.

Why I feel this needs to be addressed? I realized when I wrote him a letter in heaven, at some point, I would have to talk about it. I want to heal broken parts of myself that hurt others. I need to address the underlying darkness that festers inside me. I was a child, and this man was supposed to be my role model. I didn't have the life experience then to protect myself from the chaos of someone else's pain. I always felt he wanted to be different; he just didn't have the tools.

My family dynamic is a complicated one that takes time to understand. Let me see if I can explain. I am the oldest and youngest but I'm the middle child. I got me some siblings and two mothers. Later in life, I come to find that the aunt and uncle gene pool expanded by A LOT! Cousins here, cousins there too! It was quite a journey my dad was sent here to live. That story is coming soon, I know because it comes from an inside source. Stay tuned!

My dad was a Vietnam veteran. He was suave, fun and frightening all in one. I am well aware that I am my father's daughter. So how do I break the curse? My dad suffered a lot in his life. There are 19 documented years explaining how he changed with brain tumors. the highs were high and the lows, well those are the ones we are here to heal.

The secrets a family can carry is astounding. To this day, I am not sure who the man was that laid in that care facility toward the end, because he sure wasn't the man I knew. So, the question is "was his unpredictable behaviors due to the pressures in his head or was he really just a hostile, angry man?"

The answer to that scares me. I look at the reflection in the mirror and sometimes I still see his angry eyes because I know pieces of him still lives inside me. There are still pieces of me that default back to lessons learned early in my life. It took me a life changing crisis to understand them. I learned that love is unpredictable and can't be trusted. That it comes with a price. That price was at the cost of my peace and safety.

What some people would see as family dysfunction, is really just a bunch of strangers trying to life without a manual. All characters in a story of their own perception. So why do we let other people's baggage impact us. Why do we take the pain of others on as our own?

I won't lie. My dad had a mean streak. Did you know those are hereditary? The hardest life challenge is looking at the parts of us that we think don't deserve love. I'm learning these are the parts we need to expose to heal. The ugly parts that a child should never have to experience, ah, but the times were different back then. Different indeed. I am learning to let go of the shame I have carried over the years, I am learning to forgive those that didn't know any better.

In order for me to be my best self for those I love, I must let go of learned cycles and patterns. I must learn to regulate my body out of the fears. My body betrays the facade of strength and confidence in who I am. I am learning that I am hard to love. I am unpredictable but catch me on a good day, and I will radiate fun and good times, good feels. I love hard, and I fight with the same vigor. Forever in an internal war with who I am.

If I am certain of anything, the lessons he taught me brought me this far. I haven't been good, but I haven't been bad. I've just been who I needed to be to feel safe within myself. I can only learn to change myself by breaking patterns that are causing more harm than good. Taming the darkness within begins with understanding what put it there in the first place. I must learn to trust myself before the healing can truly begin.

I feel like a puzzle sometimes. There are pieces that fit and pieces that got mixed in that don't even fit. I fall apart and put myself back together again. Sometimes, we need to let pieces fall so that we can see what is on the other side. I have left pieces of me behind, not always from a positive light; but the universe is guiding me to act with more love.

Loving myself in a new way that allows me to love others. I'm not as scary as I lead people to believe. I just wonder if other people look at their own behavior and think they could use some work on themselves? Do they know I am just a mirror to their soul?

Anyway, my dad was a complicated man. I understand now what I didn't then. I have forgiven but my mind hasn't forgotten. You asked me in a dream once to let you go. One day, maybe I will. Until then, I hope you are proud of me even in all the mistakes I've made. I hope when I am gone one day, my family will know that I atoned for the trauma I passed on.

Our impact on others is the most important thing on this planet. I'm working on it. My soul is working toward atonement. I'll never be perfect, but I can learn to be better. Everyday.

Love, Light and My Dad.

"Dear Dad," can be found in the "Pieces of my Heart" Collection